I know what you are thinking. Yet another article written about dieting. In fact I am an expert dieter and I believe that I have as much knowledge as any of the experts that we see on television including Dr, Atkins! So what have I tried? Let's see. I have tried: The Famous Peanut Butter and Ice Cream Diet, The Cabbage Soup Diet, The 3 day Heart savers diet, The Atkins' diet, Sugar Busters, Suzanne Summers (just the diet), lean cuisine, Slim Fast, Jennie Craig, Weight Watchers, the Carbohydrate Lovers diet, protein diet, oh and I forgot one, the low fat diet.
In all, by doing all of the above diets over the past 23 years, I have lost more than 2000 pounds (1 ton). So, yes your honor, I consider myself an expert in the field of diets. Especially Yo-Yo diets.
I always weigh myself while dieting, the more times a day the better. It's like those stepping exercises you see in health clubs. I step on the scale then off the scale...on the scale then off the scale. It's great exercise. I gauge the success of a specific diet by the scale in my bathroom. The scale should be a cheap one that you can "fix" to make it look like you're losing weight. The placement of this scale is of utmost importance. It turns out that my loss of weight in any given day, really depends on which tile the scale is on. You see in each bathroom built in Coral Springs, there is a Nega-tile. This is the one spot in your bathroom, where you can place the scale and you actually lose pounds. Don't believe me? Try it yourself. Move the scale at various points along your bathroom floor and you will find the one spot where you weigh less. I like that spot. It's the negative "G" spot. You will learn to like it too, trust me.
So why haven't the diets worked? It has absolutely nothing to do with me. I think it's because I have a disorder called "I like to Eat". It goes along with another disorder called "Can't Shut My Mouth". I can even eat while I am talking on the phone! There really is nothing wrong with that. Food is good. I like Food. I don't eat to live, I live to eat! It makes me happy. Until I get on the scale. You see, it's the scale that makes me sad. So I believe that I really have a scale problem and food has nothing to do with it.
I get the feeling that when I do go on a diet, or try to exercise, my body goes through what I call "Denial". It denies me the ability to lose weight. The way I figure it, the human body is very smart. It knows when you are really serious about dieting and when you are not. I'm certain it gets a real laugh when I start to really exercise as it knows that this new way of life, dieting that is, probably isn't going to last very long. One cruise...One buffet... and that's it. Bodies are the problem here, they are in Denial, not me.
I also go to one of those fancy athletic supporter clubs. I call them athletic supporters because I really support them. I worked it out. I pay roughly $450 per visit. Since I pay for the club all year round and show up only once a year, that one time I exercise at the club costs me $450. I am athletically supporting the club, pathetically speaking of course.
I have also come to the conclusion that consuming a diet drink while eating something fattening like pizza cancels out all the fat in that pizza. The more diet drinks you consume the less likely that the fat is going to effect you. I think it's something to do with physics. Fat is matter, and diet drinks are anti-matter which when combined, produces something they call in physics "Doesn't Matter".
When I was on The Atkins' diet I was in great shape. I lost a lot of poundage which quickly came back because who in their right mind can stay on a diet that feeds you fat and denies you fruit and vegetables. I can see Dr. Atkins saying to his patients "Eat this fat...it's good for you! And by the way, have a smoke while you are at it!".
While on the Atkins, I dined at quaint but super breakfast and luncheon restaurants. I would always order a 4 cheese omelet with bacon, sausage and an extra order of sausage on the side for good measure. I would ask the waitress to not bring out the tomatoes or toast because I was on a diet! I would raise my voice slightly, because my dieting was everyone else's problem. I made sure of that. "Atkins?" she asked. "Yes" I said. She shook her head from side to side and walked away laughing to herself. She yelled to the cook " Make that a number 2 with a side of sausage!." I screamed back and said " I wish". You see one of the drawbacks of being on the Atkins diet is constipation. Dr. Atkins' has a great sense of humor if nothing else. Given the side affects on this diet...you better have one too!
It's not my fault, I'm handicapped; Either horizontally embellished or my girth is excessively accentuated. Should I be responsible for something I can't help? So I have no explanation when it comes to why I am 20-30 pounds overweight at any given time in my life. More specifically I can't seem to get rid of those so called "love handles". Maybe I am fat because I consume too much air or it must be drinking that bottled water. One thing is certain. When you are a Diet Expert like me, you can come up with all sorts of reasons why you haven't lost weight.
Which brings me to the one diet that I know works. It's the infamous or soon to be infamous Sushi-Slim Fast diet plan. (Please note: This is not to be confused by the Modified Wolcove Slimfast diet, invented by a friend of mine. His diet was truly amazing. You have a slim fast shake in the morning, followed immediately by eggs, bacon and sausage. For lunch...another shake, followed by hamburgers and French fries. Then for supper.. it's a big salad, with steak. You leave out the potatoes and desert because after all you are on a diet. He never lost a pound but was very happy.)
Watch out for impostors! Beware of imitations! Make no mistakes. There is only one true and tried Howard Melamed 's SLIM-FAST-SUSHI diet and remember you heard about it here first on your own.
The beauty of this diet is that Sushi is the most filling food that you can get. It does not contain any animal fats, but it does contain good fish oils. Try to eat as much as it takes to fill you up...or stop when you run out of cash. The Slim Fast Shake gives you a stable source of energy, with no fat. It is also the easy way for breakfast since all you have to do is grab one out of the refrigerator. In the table below any lunch can be replaced by Sushi or one of those awful chocolate Slim Fast bars.
Here is the 7 day plan for my Slim Fast - Sushi Diet:
Monday
Breakfast: Slim Fast Shake
Mid Morning Snack: Forget about it
Lunch: Slim Fast Shake
Afternoon Snack: Forget about it
Dinner: Sushi
Bedtime Snack: Forget about it. What do you think this is? A cruise?
Tuesday
Breakfast: Slim Fast Shake
Mid Morning Snack: Forget about it
Lunch: Slim Fast Shake
Afternoon Snack: Forget about it
Dinner: Sushi
Bedtime Snack: Forget about it. Don't you want to lose weight? Stop eating snacks!
Wednesday
Breakfast: Slim Fast Shake
Mid Morning Snack: Forget about it
Lunch: Slim Fast Shake
Afternoon Snack: Forget about it
Dinner: Sushi
Bedtime Snack: Forget about it. Your not listening!
Thursday
Breakfast: Slim Fast Shake
Mid Morning Snack: Forget about it
Lunch: Slim Fast Shake
Afternoon Snack: Forget about it
Dinner: Sushi
Bedtime Snack: Forget about it. What are you doing up at this time? You need the rest!
Friday
Breakfast: Slim Fast Shake
Mid Morning Snack: Forget about it
Lunch: Slim Fast Shake
Afternoon Snack: Forget about it
Dinner: Sushi
Bedtime Snack: Forget about it. Go to Starbucks and have a nice strong coffee. Maybe if your up all night you'll lose some more weight
Saturday
Breakfast: Slim Fast Shake
Mid Morning Snack: Forget about it
Lunch: Slim Fast Shake
Afternoon Snack: Forget about it
Dinner: You have been good eat something else instead of Sushi. Stay away from the bread and potatoes
Bedtime Snack: Water
Sunday
Breakfast: Sleep in and Lose a meal.
Mid Morning Snack: Forget about it
Lunch: Slim Fast Shake
Afternoon Snack: Forget about it
Dinner: Sushi
Bedtime Snack: Go to bed already!
You can substitute any Slim Fast Shake at lunch time for Sushi Lunch Specials. Have as much raw fish as you can suck in. Stay away from the fired Mayo, anything sweet, and try to substitute the white rice with Brown rice once and a while. Repeat the above until you are a)sick of Sushi b) developed a tape worm from eating Sushi which is great in a way since you will be losing a lot more weight than this diet can offer c) You end up with Mercury poison from all of the fish you are eating. d) your grocery store runs out of SlimFast shakes, which you can always buy online from some other dieting company.
Here you will have the unique opportunity of following a diet that will hopefully be accepted as a huge (watch it!) rather a widely (hey!) acclaimed success!
Become one of those faithful followers of the SlimFast and Sushi Diet and lose the weight. Please let me know of your successes. The good news is that there is nothing that I am selling you.
Enjoy!